well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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