Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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