I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
