I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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