I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
