Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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