The maid of honor just puked.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
