Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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