yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
