Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
