there's paper in my vomit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
