You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
