sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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