Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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