Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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