Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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