I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
