Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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