like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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