Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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