It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
