Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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