Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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