see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
