you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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