Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
