Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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