So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
