There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
