Your face is a jimmy john
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
