Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
