I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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