They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
