Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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