Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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