My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
