I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
