Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
