I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
