If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
