I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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