I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
