I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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