somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I got inside last night via doggy door
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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