i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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