id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
