I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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