can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
