My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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