I'm gonna have a badass scar
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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