I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
