i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
